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Mental Health: What You Don’t See

What You Don't See - Depression & Mental Health
I wrote this to clear my head. I have numerous draft posts like this that have never been published, but then I headed to Twitter for a catch up and stumbled across #WhatYouDontSee – so here you go, here’s my little addition to what you don’t see behind my facade of a happy, colourful, bright and breezy world of handmade.

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I’m struggling today. Things started out pretty much as normal, I set my alarm to try and get up at a reasonable time (8am) but ended up peeling my eyes open at 8.30am and scrolling mindlessly through social media on my phone. Boyfriend brought me a cup of tea at 8.45am and I got up and got dressed. Pretty standard weekday routine.

I had breakfast at my desk and wrote my to do list for the week and then ploughed on through today’s tasks – my weekly accounting and order making and packing from the weekend were blitzed earlier than ever. I was feeling pretty fearless. Then I broke for lunch and things went downhill from there. I watched some Netflix with my hot sandwich and salad and became so tired I could have passed out. Instead of curling up and taking a nap, I picked up my knitting to stitch a row and woke myself up enough to get back to work.

I tried taking some Instagram shots, but the lighting and colour balance were all off so I couldn’t even edit them right. I started to get more and more frustrated. I sat down at my laptop which had run out of battery over lunch – Such an effort to retrieve my charger from downstairs. I took a quick loo break and looked at myself in the mirror. The bags around my eyes are like crevices these days and I can barely hold my eyes open as I stare at my weathered face.

“This can’t be normal.”

“I shouldn’t have to put up with this.”

“Why can’t I get to the bottom of what is affecting my physical wellbeing?”

I take my meds for anxiety, but I think the depression is haunting me again. It’s like a playground bully, ripping you to pieces just as you think you might be starting to like yourself.

I get so frustrated with my depression that I feel sick to my stomach. Life is hard enough without an unexplained blackness affecting my ability to work, keep the house clean & tidy and stay in touch with friends.

At this point I am at a complete loss for what to try next because quite frankly I don’t have the energy to care about a solution. I just want to curl up in a dark, warm & cosy ball and sleep until I’m well, but every time I crawl into bed something jolts me back to the real world and I have to get up and start all over again.

Tears have filled my eyes now so at least they feel something else other than sore, but I just can’t go on like this.

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If you’re feeling like this today, I offer you up the warmest of hugs. Let’s grab a cuppa, take a breath and keep pushing on.
Loves x xx

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posted by onetenzeroseven in Health and have Comments (3)